Where I'm from: I currently live on the side of a volcano and being surrounded by charred earth and streams of white hot lava suits me fine most of the time, but whenever I get bored I go down to the village on the edge of the jungle that surrounds my home for some kicks. The villagers there think I’m a god so I told them that I require Virgins to quench my mighty blood lust, of course I just take them back to my pad where we have a few smokes and beers, and then I let them play with my powerbase – and then when we’re done with that we go on my Master System, on two players stuff like Basketball Nightmare and California Games. I’ve never been beat yet but if any of the village girls insist that they beat me, which is never true, I just tombstone ‘em into the volcano and go get me another one. Life is sweet.

What I do: Mostly I just relax - I’m far too magical to do anything else but watch TV with my hands down my pants. Unfortunately I have to go to work to get hold of new Master System and Megadrive stuff, and, sure, going back in time everyday to strangle T-Rex’s with my bare hands can get a bit boring at times but it’s a job, y’know. But when I’m not entertaining village girls, and thrashing them on every game ever, or crunching the sh*t out of dino-necks I’m usually busy talking to Thor through the medium of screeching guitars and skull shattering metal screams. All this can be tiring but it’s my life and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

How I got interested in the Master System: My father was a professional gunfighter and my mother was a hive mind of collective demons from the 13TH dimension and when I was born, fully clothed, with a wicked sharp haircut, shades and a lit cig in my mouth, my father gave me his old Master System which he used to practice shooting on, on Rambo III and Laser Ghost. He wanted me to be just like him but I was into stuff like Alex Kidd and Bubble Bobble, which gave me thumbs powerful enough to crush the scaly esophaguses of raptors and brontosauruses. I’ll tell you I once accidently trapped my junk in my fly repeatedly for 7 hours straight but that was nothing compared to the pain I felt the day my father threw my Master System into the sun because of his displeasure with my preference in games. He said ‘No son of mine will grow up a filthy, high heel wearing, platformer,’ whatever the hell that means. So from that day forth I swore I would get myself a modded Master System II so I could play anything from anywhere at 60hz, and play whatever I wanted whenever I felt like it. So I ran away and joined the Knights Templar and used my power and wealth to get me a fine arsed Master System. Then I went around the world and kicked the sack clean off anyone who dared say that the flickery, 3-coloured, tinny sounding, sh*te called the NES was a superior console to my beloved SMS. It all grew from there really. Now I have around 160 games and I often look at them all lined up on my shelf and shed a single glorious tear, and wherever that glimmering drop of hope falls an entire rainforest of awesomeness instantly springs forth, filled with blue hedgehogs and Shinobis.

Top five favorite games: Man, that’s a tough question but I’d have to say Montezuma’s Revenge, Master of Darkness, Kenseiden, Wonderboy in Monsterland and Ninja Gaiden. There are more awesome games than is possible on one console but they are definitely some of my faves.

My SMS Collection: My SMS collection is getting too big for words, I’m interested in platform games mostly, anything where I can stomp something to death like in Psycho Fox or Alex Kidd In Shinobi World. I couldn’t give two sticky-taped turds about generic sports games and will probably stop short of collecting them as they bore the hairs out of my sack follicles. Other than that I’ll keep collecting and enjoying my games, writing reviews for this here site and just keep on being godlike and mindbendingly beautiful. Peace out, mortals!

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