Review Information
Reviewer Name: Stan
Reviewer Email: Private
Game Difficulty: Easy
Difficulty Options: True
Game Information
Full Title: Championship Hockey
Year Released: 1994
Game Type: Sports
Max Players: 1
Introduction


Ahhahaahah ahha haa ha!!!!! This is the greatest thing ever!!!!! Hhah ahaah aha ahahaha!!!!! Oh boy, this is so hilarious. Where to even begin? I purchased this game for a ridiculous amount of money (don't even ask how much or why) and then scolded myself for doing so. That was, however, until I actually received the game in the mail and popped it in. What I witnessed was one of the greatest things ever. A game for the SMS that COMPLETELY sucks in such a way as to be one of the grandest pieces of suck EVER created.
Gameplay

Well, I think it's obvious, this is a hockey game. But, remember, it's a very SUCKY hockey game, and a very sucky game in general. First, let me remind you of why I love sucky games. They suck so bad, that all you can do is laugh continuously while doing various things. You often don't actually play the game as it was meant to be played because there are so many glitches and bugs that's it's simply a treat to discover them all.

In Championship Hockey, you find essentially all of the "modes" of play that you'd find in any other sports type game. There's regular play, league, demo, and so forth. You select your teams, organize things, and blah blah blah you get the point. The interface is actually set up well, so I was a little disappointed there, it didn't suck enough. But, I suppose the true suck should only be reserved for the game proper, which I am now getting to.

Okay, so you think you've seen it all? Well think again. This game is so TERRIBLY programmed that it is nearly unbelievable. The computer is so bad at moving its players around that you'll never have a problem getting the puck to the net. When you get there, all you have to do is move to the left or right slightly in front of the goal and shoot at the angle which you are moving. Bam, goal every time, and I'm not kidding. It's hilarious. I played a bit again last night and in like 5 minutes seriously scored 11 GOALS.

Wait, just wait, you think that's funny? Well, get a load of these glitches. First, you have the "shoot the puck THROUGH the net and don't get any points" glitch. It's one of the funniest things I've ever seen. If you shoot close to the goal, or sometimes from other directions, the puck will actually go THROUGH the net and you won't get a goal. Second, to add to the hilarity, if the puck lays right behind the goal, the computer CANNOT get its players to get the puck. As it tries they sit on either edge of the back of the goal twitching and frolicking like complete manic fools. I couldn't stop laughing. Third, if you pay attention, you'll sometimes notice your OWN players fighting with each other! WHAT?!!!!!!! AHAHA AHHAHAA HAH!!!!! It's quite funny, they twitch around and run into each other as though they were opposing players.

Speaking of twitching, this is good, you'll notice that your characters, as well as the computer's, do this almost constantly as they move around. It's this odd involuntary looking set of movements that obviously has to do with the graphics, but I'll get to that later. What else? Hmmmmm. Oh yes, I could not seem to figure out how to control my goalie ONLY when the computer was shooting from far away. This means that the computer would shoot down the screen so I couldn't actually see where my goalie was until the puck went in the net. In addition, there were times when the puck would go THROUGH my goalie somehow. I figured just move him around and he'll block. Sometimes it works, but other times wonderful things happen.

Here's another one before I finish this section. Get this, I discovered that often you can just run your player with the puck straight INTO the opposing goalie and magically score a goal! What bliss! Even better, one time I did this and the puck somehow got stuck behind the other team's goalie. Then, ahahah aahhahaa, an opposing player went to get the puck and started twitching in place until the period ran out!!!!! HhH AHAHA AHAHA HAHAHA!!!!! Championship Hockey is another piece of humor for all you suck loving gamers out there. It's the SUCKIEST I've personally ever seen. I'm sure there are plenty more glitches to discover, so I'm ready for a wealth of hilarity in this little beauty.

Graphics
Hhahahah!!! Right from the opening where you're vested with a terribly organized, squashed picture of a hockey player, you know this baby will not fail to suck in any way whatsoever. The graphics are just awful, it's wonderful. Seriously, this could have been done just as good on an Atari 2600. They're that bad. It has to be seen to be believed. Everyone seems to twitch too, as I mentioned above, and when players get close to one another they fluctuate and glitch so bad you can't tell what's going on. Just like the real thing!
Sound & Music
Hhahahaha!!! Even better. An absolutely RANK opening theme, and THAT'S IT. No in-game music at all, just pure suckiness nothingness. This game really knew how to lay it on thick. Boy, did it ever. The sound effects are also quite pungent, simply terrible, horrible renditions of things from real life. The period buzzer is a piercing, gruesome thing that makes your ears bleed.
Controls
Come on guys. Well, I guess you can't properly enjoy all the other sucky aspects if this wasn't well done. The controls are actually very good, you can move your character around easily with no hang-ups. Can't seem to figure out what the goalie is doing though. Am I pressing something wrong?
Replay Value
Scores
Gameplay
Graphics
Music & Sound
Controls
Replay Value
Oh yes, I will be playing this one again and again. What better suck than seeing how many goals you can score in a minute? I mean, who would have thought it would be possible to shoot the puck through the net and not get any credit for it? I never knew that hockey players were unable to successfully process grabbing the puck behind the net mentally until I saw this game. Now I know. And you must too. Find this game, if you want suck FIND IT. DON'T STOP UNTIL YOU DO BECAUSE THIS IS THE WORST AND THUS GREATEST THING EVER MADE.
Conclusion
This is the crown jewel of suck. Let me explain a bit better. See, when something sucks, it can suck in one of two ways. It will either be so sucky that it will be completely unplayable and not even bearable for more than a few moments. OR, and this is the important difference, it will suck in such a way as to bring hours of enjoyment and laughter. Championship Hockey does just that, and I revel in it.
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